Thriving. This word is used a lot to describe life after cancer treatments. Somehow it is supposed to be better or more encompassing instead of survivor. Thriving, thrive, thriver – I hate these words, this concept that life after cancer means your thriving. I don’t know the dictonary definition of this word but for me it generates pressure and resentment.
The first two weeks of May I did a social media cleanse, not looking at Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram for two weeks. What I realized is that social media is kind of stupid. About myself though, I started to reallize more and more that I’m doing ok, but by no means to I think of myself as someone who I thriving post cancer. I know that life is precious and short and I need to be making the most of it. But that’s a lot of pressure. I feel like people sometimes think I should be going out and meeting all the new people I can, or that I should get a dog because it would be good for me and the dog. But right now, I still to afraid to go out there I figure out what it is that makes a thriver.
I’m out here trying to figure out what the hell makes a life and how to get some stability into my life. There’s so much that has happened in this past year alone that feels like there’s pressure to become someone who is thriving but damn it all I can do right now is survive.
I’m okay with being a survivor, because there’s a lot of stuff I’ve had to deal with and continue to deal with that comes with plenty of its own pressure. Thriver, thriving, thrive – those words are too loaded with pressure themselves that I can never use them in my vocabulary.